Psalm 139:13-16
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I know a secret.......
David and I have decided to keep our pregnancy on the down low for now. No one knows...not even our own children. I have told a few friends, but none that have contact with our family or would say anything. You know, this was a huge shock to us. We didn't react very positively either. We have four kids right now and we are struggling. Struggling to maintain order and struggle to make sure bills are paid. I swear, everyday the kids come home with another order form....pics, fundraisers, book fairs....neverending. I want my kids to have a comfortable life. Not to be spoiled, but not to miss out on too much either. So I was freaking about all that. David on the other hand was very content with that area of our obstacle. I didn't know this at the time. After a few serious discussions, I found he was actually freaked about just starting over. We were over the whole "raising babies" stage. We were ready to have our school children and throw ourselves into that. He nearly fainted in the baby aisle at Target a few nights ago...I kid you not.
So for now, this pregnancy will be kept from our family. I honestly don't see any one of them saying the slightest positive thing. I'm sure there will be a lot of, "You're crazy!" "FIVE?!?!" "Don't you remember how that happens?" "I thought you were getting your tubes tied?!" I really don't want to hear any of that. This was hard enough for us to come to terms on and the last thing I need is anyone telling me how we should live as a family. When I can no longer hide my belly, is when they will know. David and I will be strong enough and well equipped to verbally handle anything they throw our way at that point.
So for now, this pregnancy will be kept from our family. I honestly don't see any one of them saying the slightest positive thing. I'm sure there will be a lot of, "You're crazy!" "FIVE?!?!" "Don't you remember how that happens?" "I thought you were getting your tubes tied?!" I really don't want to hear any of that. This was hard enough for us to come to terms on and the last thing I need is anyone telling me how we should live as a family. When I can no longer hide my belly, is when they will know. David and I will be strong enough and well equipped to verbally handle anything they throw our way at that point.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
God's plan
We have four active, healthy and beautiful children. Before my last child was born, we decided that hubby would have a vasectomy. It seemed like the perfect solution. I had grown and birthed each of our children. A small sacrifice on his behalf. So he schedule the consult with the doctors for June 10, 2007. My little boy was due June 17th....I am always over or induced. So we thought this would give him just enough time to have the procedure and heal. Well, this is when we learned that God doesn't consult with us first before making changes to our plans. On June 6th, I had a routine prenatal check up with my midwife. My baby was very sick and his heart rate was racing out of control. I was rushed to the hospital and a crash C-section was performed. My little guy was okay in the end.....after some amazing medical intervention and a miracle from the big guy upstairs. This was my fourth birth, but first c-section. My husband had to take off work to help me out. Which also meant he missed his vasectomy consult. Throughout the last couple of years, we had a couple appointments set for him to get this done. Life always got in the way. My son will be three this June. Since then, we have treading on dangerous territory. He never had that vasectomy. I have had serious allergic reactions to condoms....yes, we tried all kinds.. And in August 2006, I had a mini stroke due to the extra estrogen in the birth control patch. At which point, my OB said that using any form of hormonal birth control would be not be an option for me.
Let's fast forward to present time....
Since the birth of my last child, I have had serious health concerns. I was extremely overweight, high blood pressure, high insulin levels (I was dx insulin resistant), missing periods, hair falling out, sever pain, fatigue......you name it, I was falling apart. So, I changed my diet and started exercising. I lost 70lbs and regulated my blood pressure and insulin levels. My period returned to normal almost immediately after changing my diet. Along with the return of my period, came the monthly fear that my period would not show......because of pregnancy. Yes, we were done. Yes, we needed to be permanently fixed so that no unexpected surprises would happen. We knew this, but again......Life and the chaos that it brings won over.
The first day of my last period was March 3, 2010. The following period was due March 30th. On March 25th, I begun spotting. I thought this isn't right....I have five days until my period is due to begin. Then it hit me.....Implantation bleeding!!!! This is light brownish spotting that happens when a fertilized egg implants into the uterine wall. I ran out and bought a bunch of pregnancy test. My period was not due yet, but if this was indeed implantation bleeding it may show. I took two test that night, negative. The 30th came and my period was a no show. I took three more test on that day and the following day.....all negative. So five tests later, I figured I was in the clear. Maybe my period went missing because I slipped up on my diet with all the Easter snacking. Maybe it was the insane amount of stress?
This past Saturday (April 10th), I had to take my daughter to softball practice. I had my three little boys with me too. My youngest (2 years) is still in diapers and left a surprise on the way home. Which I then remembered I was completely out of baby wipes. So I stopped at Target on the way home. I grabbed the wipes and my tribe and headed towards the check out. When you are alone in a store, with four children, you get what you need and you jet. Especially when your tribe consists of a 5,4,2 year olds. I don't know why, but I was pulled to not get directly in line. For some reason, I ended up in the feminine hygiene aisle....and staring at pregnancy tests. I don't know why, I took five and they were all negative. I assured myself this was a waste of money. I can think of many other things to spend $9 on than a stick that I would pee on. I grabbed a First Response Early Results (FRER) and jetted to the the check out.....with my ducklings in tow.
I didn't have to pee when I got home and I didn't feel the urgent need to pee on the test.....like I did many times before. "Must pee on a stick....NOW!!" There was none of that. Around 5pm, the coffee I sucked down during my daughter's softball practice sent me to the potty. I decided to try a test. I grabbed a stick, held it in my urine for the suggested five seconds. I place the cap back on the test and sat it on the sink. I watched as the urine pushed across the test window. There would be one pink line for the control and then an empty space were a line would be if I were pregnant. I saw the control line slowly appear....it wasn't very dark. For a split second I was irritated that I wasted money on a test that would be invalid (didn't work properly). Then the control line became darker. There was no pink line in the pregnant area. I breathed a sign of relief. Then, I saw something.... Could it be? It can't be!!! An extremely faint line began to appear. At first it appeared to be a shadow. I grabbed the directions to see how much time they suggested to allow a positive to show....3 minutes. Okay, at this it was maybe a minute? I couldn't breathe, the room was spinning.... The line got darker and brighter.
I was pregnant. 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant, to be exact. Hubby was at drill this weekend, but he was coming home for dinner. I didn't want to tell him over the phone. A baby. Five children. We were done. We were going to go on vacations soon, with no diapers or strollers. I would have all my children in school within a year. I planned to use my new found free time to volunteer at the kid's schools, and work on starting my invitations business. We were ready to throw ourselves into our kid's sports and activities. We were done with our baby days and contently living as a family of six. Which by today's standards is a large family.
Saturday, April 10, 2010, God reminded me that my plan is simply a suggestion. He has plans for me that are bigger than I can imagine.
Let's fast forward to present time....
Since the birth of my last child, I have had serious health concerns. I was extremely overweight, high blood pressure, high insulin levels (I was dx insulin resistant), missing periods, hair falling out, sever pain, fatigue......you name it, I was falling apart. So, I changed my diet and started exercising. I lost 70lbs and regulated my blood pressure and insulin levels. My period returned to normal almost immediately after changing my diet. Along with the return of my period, came the monthly fear that my period would not show......because of pregnancy. Yes, we were done. Yes, we needed to be permanently fixed so that no unexpected surprises would happen. We knew this, but again......Life and the chaos that it brings won over.
The first day of my last period was March 3, 2010. The following period was due March 30th. On March 25th, I begun spotting. I thought this isn't right....I have five days until my period is due to begin. Then it hit me.....Implantation bleeding!!!! This is light brownish spotting that happens when a fertilized egg implants into the uterine wall. I ran out and bought a bunch of pregnancy test. My period was not due yet, but if this was indeed implantation bleeding it may show. I took two test that night, negative. The 30th came and my period was a no show. I took three more test on that day and the following day.....all negative. So five tests later, I figured I was in the clear. Maybe my period went missing because I slipped up on my diet with all the Easter snacking. Maybe it was the insane amount of stress?
This past Saturday (April 10th), I had to take my daughter to softball practice. I had my three little boys with me too. My youngest (2 years) is still in diapers and left a surprise on the way home. Which I then remembered I was completely out of baby wipes. So I stopped at Target on the way home. I grabbed the wipes and my tribe and headed towards the check out. When you are alone in a store, with four children, you get what you need and you jet. Especially when your tribe consists of a 5,4,2 year olds. I don't know why, but I was pulled to not get directly in line. For some reason, I ended up in the feminine hygiene aisle....and staring at pregnancy tests. I don't know why, I took five and they were all negative. I assured myself this was a waste of money. I can think of many other things to spend $9 on than a stick that I would pee on. I grabbed a First Response Early Results (FRER) and jetted to the the check out.....with my ducklings in tow.
I didn't have to pee when I got home and I didn't feel the urgent need to pee on the test.....like I did many times before. "Must pee on a stick....NOW!!" There was none of that. Around 5pm, the coffee I sucked down during my daughter's softball practice sent me to the potty. I decided to try a test. I grabbed a stick, held it in my urine for the suggested five seconds. I place the cap back on the test and sat it on the sink. I watched as the urine pushed across the test window. There would be one pink line for the control and then an empty space were a line would be if I were pregnant. I saw the control line slowly appear....it wasn't very dark. For a split second I was irritated that I wasted money on a test that would be invalid (didn't work properly). Then the control line became darker. There was no pink line in the pregnant area. I breathed a sign of relief. Then, I saw something.... Could it be? It can't be!!! An extremely faint line began to appear. At first it appeared to be a shadow. I grabbed the directions to see how much time they suggested to allow a positive to show....3 minutes. Okay, at this it was maybe a minute? I couldn't breathe, the room was spinning.... The line got darker and brighter.
I was pregnant. 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant, to be exact. Hubby was at drill this weekend, but he was coming home for dinner. I didn't want to tell him over the phone. A baby. Five children. We were done. We were going to go on vacations soon, with no diapers or strollers. I would have all my children in school within a year. I planned to use my new found free time to volunteer at the kid's schools, and work on starting my invitations business. We were ready to throw ourselves into our kid's sports and activities. We were done with our baby days and contently living as a family of six. Which by today's standards is a large family.
Saturday, April 10, 2010, God reminded me that my plan is simply a suggestion. He has plans for me that are bigger than I can imagine.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Don't touch me...please
Yet another thing I swore I would keep up with, but have failed so far. Of course it is for me....just like my doctor/dentist appointments, regular haircuts, exercise. Busy, busy, busy....so of course, my needs/desires are the first to go. I joined a gym. It opened several weeks ago, but I have yet had a chance to go. Yes, my husband works long hours, yes there is dance class, girl scouts, softball, baseball, family parties, holidays.......I don't know....sleep. In addition to all this, there is so much more that I want to do with my days. Organizing my house and hanging up some pictures, curtains would be nice. I have so many big ideas for the house, but I lack time, money, energy. I wish I could have one of those HGTV shows come in and just redo it all. Hell, I'll take a little public embaressment to get my house to look like the cover of Better Homes and Gardens........even if it only it will last just for a two minutes.
It really sounds like I'm whining...doesn't it? I have managed to do some positive things over the last couple of weeks.
First, I realized I took a nose dive at 200mph off of my diet. My period is MIA and hair is falling out as fast as it was a year ago.....ugh. So I'm trying to detox again. It's so hard with all the Easter candy laying around. I am doing better than I was last week though. I have probably gained 10-15lbs of weight since going on my vacation in October. This terrifies me. I've come too far to fall back into that vicious cycle. I took a nice walk/jog around the block the other night. While it kicked my butt, I felt good.
Second, after weeks of panic attacks due to me stressing over how I would fit all the kids activities....I complete our first full weeks of practices! Well, sort of. Activities on Monday was cancelled because of Spring Break. The majority of the panic attacks were before I recieved Emily's softball schedule. I was so worried she would have practice on the opposite days as the boys.....which meant I would practically live at the field. I considered pricing RVs so I could just live in the parking lot at the field. I was nearly jumping for joy when I found out they were on the same days. I love that my kids are active and want to do activities, but I dread the constant go go go. Here is our weekly schedule...
Monday - School, 5:30 Hip Hop, 6:15 Girl Scouts
Tuesday - School
Wednesday - School, 5:30-7 Softball, 6-7 Baseball
Thursday - School
Friday - School
Saturday - 9:30 Softball, 12:30 Baseball
Add in housework, Emily's visitations with her father, doctor appointments, taking care of the dogs (wish someone would have talked me out of this), cooking dinner, etc etc.... I feel like I am spinning out of control. Just typing that out sends my heart racing. The good news is, I have found this more manageable than I thought it would be.
Third, David and I have completed a lot of the work that needed to be done on the backyard. The yard was a complete disaster when we moved in last September. The owners had cut a tree down....they took the logs away, but left all the other mess. There was a lot of trash left from rebuilding the "deck." I'm waiting for the very sad example of a deck to fall so we can take that away. David was able to spread out the hump where the tree was. Many fines, brush, trees, shrubs, etc were pulled up. Grass seed was spread. There is much more to do, but it's actually amazing how far we have come considering we can't even speak a sentence without being interrupted five times.
Fourth, I am completely amazed that I have come this far in this post. I'm also amazed that my head has not exploded yet. Although, if one more kid hugs me, whines, asks me for something or needs me for anything else before I have the chance to type my closing sentence....that may just happen.
In other news... I have NO idea in which direction this blog is going. Yes I love my kids. Yes, I'm a SAHM..... but there is so much more I want to write about. So as for now, this will just be my complete mix/match of random thoughts. Some good, some bad....some just plain scary. One post, I may write about making homemade playdoh and spending hours with my little angels. While others (most likely the majority) will be spend pondering the trials of motherhood....snot kisses, destroyed furniture, constant whining, soul sucking. Life is good. Some of the time.
I will leave you with a picture of my little soul sucking angels on Easter morning. A basketful of goodies which we used to bribe them with for the last few months.
It really sounds like I'm whining...doesn't it? I have managed to do some positive things over the last couple of weeks.
First, I realized I took a nose dive at 200mph off of my diet. My period is MIA and hair is falling out as fast as it was a year ago.....ugh. So I'm trying to detox again. It's so hard with all the Easter candy laying around. I am doing better than I was last week though. I have probably gained 10-15lbs of weight since going on my vacation in October. This terrifies me. I've come too far to fall back into that vicious cycle. I took a nice walk/jog around the block the other night. While it kicked my butt, I felt good.
Second, after weeks of panic attacks due to me stressing over how I would fit all the kids activities....I complete our first full weeks of practices! Well, sort of. Activities on Monday was cancelled because of Spring Break. The majority of the panic attacks were before I recieved Emily's softball schedule. I was so worried she would have practice on the opposite days as the boys.....which meant I would practically live at the field. I considered pricing RVs so I could just live in the parking lot at the field. I was nearly jumping for joy when I found out they were on the same days. I love that my kids are active and want to do activities, but I dread the constant go go go. Here is our weekly schedule...
Monday - School, 5:30 Hip Hop, 6:15 Girl Scouts
Tuesday - School
Wednesday - School, 5:30-7 Softball, 6-7 Baseball
Thursday - School
Friday - School
Saturday - 9:30 Softball, 12:30 Baseball
Add in housework, Emily's visitations with her father, doctor appointments, taking care of the dogs (wish someone would have talked me out of this), cooking dinner, etc etc.... I feel like I am spinning out of control. Just typing that out sends my heart racing. The good news is, I have found this more manageable than I thought it would be.
Third, David and I have completed a lot of the work that needed to be done on the backyard. The yard was a complete disaster when we moved in last September. The owners had cut a tree down....they took the logs away, but left all the other mess. There was a lot of trash left from rebuilding the "deck." I'm waiting for the very sad example of a deck to fall so we can take that away. David was able to spread out the hump where the tree was. Many fines, brush, trees, shrubs, etc were pulled up. Grass seed was spread. There is much more to do, but it's actually amazing how far we have come considering we can't even speak a sentence without being interrupted five times.
Fourth, I am completely amazed that I have come this far in this post. I'm also amazed that my head has not exploded yet. Although, if one more kid hugs me, whines, asks me for something or needs me for anything else before I have the chance to type my closing sentence....that may just happen.
In other news... I have NO idea in which direction this blog is going. Yes I love my kids. Yes, I'm a SAHM..... but there is so much more I want to write about. So as for now, this will just be my complete mix/match of random thoughts. Some good, some bad....some just plain scary. One post, I may write about making homemade playdoh and spending hours with my little angels. While others (most likely the majority) will be spend pondering the trials of motherhood....snot kisses, destroyed furniture, constant whining, soul sucking. Life is good. Some of the time.
I will leave you with a picture of my little soul sucking angels on Easter morning. A basketful of goodies which we used to bribe them with for the last few months.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
